17th December 2008

No time - a standard excuse for not being able to do so many things in life though we would want to...that's the excuse i give myself for not updating my blog - "like as if there are millions waiting to read it :)"...
Life is really strange - in spite of all the problems that surround us we still manage to find humour and happy moments...
I believe in a very strong principle which is my eternal mantra for everything - "whatever happens, happens for good". For the moment situation may look bad but as time goes by you only gain from it...
My dearest mom has gone through the knife on the operation table and she had to go through the trauma of loosing her right breast completely...It was a very very difficult decision which me and my sister had to take when the doctors called us in between the operation and told us that they need to remove the whole organ and we need to sign papers for the same.
I was pretty strong till then - but i just could not get myself to sign the papers - for the first time i broke down - not because mom is loosing an organ which the doctors describe as "a mass of fat and flesh" but because as a woman it is very difficult to have a body with this organ missing...i was scared of mom's reaction when she realises what happens!
The operation lasted for about four hours and we were allowed to see her for a brief time - and in her sub conscious state of mind mom was only asking us "why have you removed the whole organ" - she was repeatedly asking only this one question...
That night she was kept in the ICU. Me and my sister stayed back in the hospital as we were scared of how she would react when she gains complete consciousness and if she will be all right...
Next day she was back to the room - and we could see how depressed and sad she was. Once she settled we explained to her why it had be done and how it is supposed to be good for her going forward. The doctors also explained it to her. After a day my mom told me "don't worry i will get used to seeing myself like this. i know it was done for good but sometimes there is a strange fear that takes over me and this fear tells me that i will not look like earlier days.Fear tells me how will i wear a Saree now..." my heart was breaking hearing to her but i had to only tell her things to pacify her...and to keep her brave. I told her whenever this fear is setting in to divert her mind and talk to one of us so that we will help her get over this fear...

October 27 2008

Finally all the reports were ready and doctors confirmed that mom had breast cancer and the tumour has to be operated ASAP...Doctors left the choice of tumour removal or entire breast removal to us...the toughest decision ever to be made...
After a debate between me and my sister we finally broke the news out to Mom that she has breast cancer and she has to be operated...the choice of tumour removal or breast removal was with her...She was completely shattered and terrified on knowing that she has cancer...She was upset and cried...It was difficult for all of us to console her and make her understand that this is not life threatning...
We took her back to the doctor who also counselled her and gave her the pros and cons of tumour removal and entire breast removal...But she was adamant that only the tumour has to be removed...
We took multiple opinions from different doctors - mumbai cancer hospital and a very senior oncologist here in hyd...all of them confirmed that the choice is with us but the final decision will be made by the doctors on the operation table...depending on what it looks like once the tumour is removed...
It was a painful one week after that as the date of surgery was fixed on 6th Nov...all these days my mother went through the agony of what the future holds for her...she started talking as if she is going to be alive for sometime only and telling us things on if she will ever see my youngest sister getting married or if she will see her second grand child etc etc...
This fear and pain can only be understand if you are going through it - but i also know that though she is terrified for the moment she is actually a very strong person from inside...We kept talking to her and giving her facts and case studies of so many other women who have been thru similar trauma and are fit and healthy now...But again...it is difficult to draw inspiration from all these case studies...difficult but not impossible...

I have never met anyone whose family is going thru the trauma of having a cancer patient at home and i never thought same time last month that i would be going thru this myself...

What is pain? The word called pain is a feeling that one would never understand till the time you go thru it yourself or see someone as close as your own mother go thru it...even then i would not know what pain is...only my mom knows what is pain right now and millions like her who are going thru the trauma of breast cancer...I would like to pen down every moment that we as a family are going thru - as i see things from my eyes and probably what my mom feels...which i will not be able to pen down 100% - nobody can till god forbid you go thru it yourself...

I still remember the day i had taken mom to meet our doctor friend...yes...right now i have lot of doctors as friends as i speak to them more than any of my friends...

October 10th 2008 - Friday

It was a casual check up day when my mom told me that she feels a lump - she told me after a week of she feeling it and i delayed it by another week thanks to my work! I still feel guilty about this...Reason for delay because i could spare only the weekend for doctor trips...

A casual check up and was advised to get a mammogram done which i did fortunately the very next day because during my conversation with my doc friend he told me he finds the lump "suspicious"...That was an alarm for me not to delay things further...

October 11th 2008 - Saturday

I had taken my mom to the hospital and my husband was generous enough to take us to the the diagnostic center. The mammogram was done and even then i was sure there could be nothing and it was just a "lump" and nothing more...We collected the reports and got into the car - happy and smiling and looking forward to the day ahead as it was a day just before Diwali and there was loads of shopping to be done...But all my hopes went out of the window - I opened the report to read. although i am obviously technically not qualified to understand medical terms, i do understand some basic things...the report confirmed malignancy...I felt a shiver go thru me and i couldn't believe what i was reading...I was in a state of complete shock and i just looked at Ram and told him what i read...We both did not speak about it as we did not want to share anything with my mom...

We cancelled all our shopping plans and went straight home...And called the doctor and told him about the report...

October 12th 2008 - Sunday

A day of more tests - And even then Mom had no idea what was happening and her mind was racing...wondering why we are going thru so many tests for such a simple "lump"...By this time I had told my sister about the status of the reports...Other than she and me nobody knew what was happening...We decided to keep things this way till Diwali...and the doctors were understanding enough and did not mention the word "cancer" in front of her...

Mom went thru a "painful" test called the needle test where they push an injection at the spot of lump to take blood sample - to reconfirm "malignancy" and stage of "malignancy"...

Report to be available only the next day - which was "Diwali"

October 13th 2008 - Monday

I have been very fortunate as far as doctors are concerned - The more the health issues that came up we always managed to get the best of doctors and really good doctors who actually take the trouble of seeing patients even on a holiday and even on festival days! With all the reports in hand we went to meet the senior doctor at his clinic and this time again they were all understanding enough not to use the word "cancer"...unfortunately the needle test report was not ready. The entire ordeal of the suspense had to continue till the next day....Mom still ignorant...

October 14th 2008

The needle test report confirmed "cancer" but the test could not be done 100% due to insufficient blood sample from the exact spot of the "lump"...We had to redo the test and this time our doctor himself would do the test...I was at work and i rushed back home and took my mom back to the hospital...I had no idea what was the extent of the "test" and the "pain" that my mom will go through...

I have always been beside my mom in every single medical treatment that she has gone thru since the last decade or so - since the time i actually understood what it means to be admitted in the hospital...I have seen my mom go thru a major operation during the time of removal of her uterus and then last year when she got operated for thyroid cancer and now thru this...

A test that made me almost faint at the table...

Finally

after hearing so much about blogging in the news papers, television and people i am still wondering what blogging is all about? Why would somebody want to read something which i write for whatever reason i write...while people would love to read celebrities blogs why would anyone want to read my blog?
Now that i am finally writing i realised that probably people like me write for our individual satisfaction and to express thots which probably cannot be spoken to everyone all the time...and hoping that some of my good friends and family would be interested in reading...and mind you not to give an advice but in turn to express their opinion...
So here i am...the official author of "Just like that" ctp...wondering what ctp is? that's my favourite line - "Chumma Time Pass" :)

three cheers to CTP !!!