After exactly 4 months here i am sitting in the guest house of Delhi after a very long and tiring day to write how happy i am to see my mom getting back in action...When i read thru my own blog and think of the grinding times we had over the last one year - makes me feel "my god ! we all actually survived this pain ! "...more than anyone, my mom has survived it...
Next Saturday is her last cycle of treatment and we are all sincerely praying that no hospitals for her for sometime !
Mom is beginning to get her hair back and i can see her with the same energy and vigour like before...she is truly the most inspiring person in my life...its hard to believe when you look at her that she is the one who has endured so much pain in life - emotional and physical - and yet she wakes up with a smile and does everything possible to make our lives easy and simple.
Whatever we do in return will still be short of what she has done for us ! Love you mom !
I guess all mothers are always a bundle of inspiration for children and guess our children will think the same of us as they grow up ! During my last visit to the hospital with my mom there was a 75 year old undergoing chemo...and her daughter was with beside her taking care of her...It got me to tears thinking how can a 75 year old survive the pain of Chemo ! we got talking and i realised that she is a doctor herself (children specialist) and she told me how she detected her breast cancer...we realised that her case is exactly the same as mom's and the same doctors were treating her too...In spite of being a doctor herself she still had tears in her eyes as she was telling me her story of dealing with cancer and how happy she is to have her daughter by her side who came from the USA leaving her 2 children behind...
Trouble times brings strangers together and a deep understanding and emotional support is drawn even from people whom you have never met before in life !
We got talking and told her of all the things to do and not to do during cancer...made me realise how helpful we can be to people who are going thru the same pain...
I am now looking for voluntary organisations who help counselling patients with cancer and help them cope with it - emotionally and physically - a strong determined mind,heart and soul can make you overcome any problems in life !
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Relationships!!!
why does a relationship between two people start and if it starts why does it end?
I am going thru the "I don't understand what is happening" syndrome and totally confused...
things go perfectly fine for years together...good and bad things are accepted and u learn to deal with them...in the process each individual also learns and grows for the better...and suddenly "SNAP" ... vacuum ... there is nothing more to talk about and nothing more to share ...
not that there is no action happening in either of the lives but still the vacuum does not allow any form of communication...who is responsible for this vacuum? and why does this vacuum form in the first place?
the bigger question is how to get rid of this vacuum? well...first of all do you want this vacuum to disappear or may be are we actually glad that his happened?
there was a time when one wanted the relationship to end but it does not happen thanks to the other person...and now the same person changes! so where does that leave us???
now i am thinking if i am thinking too much of the whole situation...is this my imagination? or is this a reality i am not willing to face right now?
time will only tell i guess...
I am going thru the "I don't understand what is happening" syndrome and totally confused...
things go perfectly fine for years together...good and bad things are accepted and u learn to deal with them...in the process each individual also learns and grows for the better...and suddenly "SNAP" ... vacuum ... there is nothing more to talk about and nothing more to share ...
not that there is no action happening in either of the lives but still the vacuum does not allow any form of communication...who is responsible for this vacuum? and why does this vacuum form in the first place?
the bigger question is how to get rid of this vacuum? well...first of all do you want this vacuum to disappear or may be are we actually glad that his happened?
there was a time when one wanted the relationship to end but it does not happen thanks to the other person...and now the same person changes! so where does that leave us???
now i am thinking if i am thinking too much of the whole situation...is this my imagination? or is this a reality i am not willing to face right now?
time will only tell i guess...
25th Feb 09 - 8.45pm
Today has been quite a depressing day and the only good thing which happened is i found my mid school best freind vani...thanks to renuka,yamini and arthi...
Mom has undergone her 5th cycle of chemo today...and today i came across two doctors who are so amazingly opposite to each other and both in the same profession and sit beside each other in the same room...
my mom's doc is Dr.Senthyl - young,passionate about his profession and totally dedicated to his work. it is amazing how with the same amount of patience he meets hundreds of patients everyday...makes me think how sometimes professionals like us get upset and irritated at work - and our profession is nothing compared to what this doctor does - he is a true doctor !
And just beside him there is another senior doctor who is so rude to people! today by mistake my mom's file went to his table.He asked my mom what were the problems she faced during the last cycle and when we told her that she had vomitted quite a bit he says "I never told you to vomit!" - What kind of a reaction is this? I got pissed and told him what are u supposed to do when the body is throwing up...It is only becuase of Dr.Senthyl i kept my cool...he just looked at me and told me softly ignore him and he will check on my mom once again...what kind of human being is this doctor!!!how can he be so damn different from a man sitting right beside him in the same profession! I sweared that never by mistake also i will put my mom thru this doc...and i will deffinately give him a piece of mind once my mom is done with her treatment...this older doc is an insult to a doctor's profession!
To make matters worse it took longer than normal for mom to finish her treatement - and the poor thing was feeling sick,tired and had a headache by the end of it...and she was disturbed when she saw two little girls of around 13 years going thru the same treatment...and one girl who has been coming along with my mom for the last five cycles was so tired of the treatment - she was crying and yelling - she just did not want to go thru this anymore...i was sitting beside her and trying to console her...she was crying in pain...i had tears in my eyes looking at her...and made me think if i had to go thru something like this - would i really have the courage and strenght like all these little girls? why has god made diseases like this and over that make little children suffer? It is so damn unfair!!
Mom has undergone her 5th cycle of chemo today...and today i came across two doctors who are so amazingly opposite to each other and both in the same profession and sit beside each other in the same room...
my mom's doc is Dr.Senthyl - young,passionate about his profession and totally dedicated to his work. it is amazing how with the same amount of patience he meets hundreds of patients everyday...makes me think how sometimes professionals like us get upset and irritated at work - and our profession is nothing compared to what this doctor does - he is a true doctor !
And just beside him there is another senior doctor who is so rude to people! today by mistake my mom's file went to his table.He asked my mom what were the problems she faced during the last cycle and when we told her that she had vomitted quite a bit he says "I never told you to vomit!" - What kind of a reaction is this? I got pissed and told him what are u supposed to do when the body is throwing up...It is only becuase of Dr.Senthyl i kept my cool...he just looked at me and told me softly ignore him and he will check on my mom once again...what kind of human being is this doctor!!!how can he be so damn different from a man sitting right beside him in the same profession! I sweared that never by mistake also i will put my mom thru this doc...and i will deffinately give him a piece of mind once my mom is done with her treatment...this older doc is an insult to a doctor's profession!
To make matters worse it took longer than normal for mom to finish her treatement - and the poor thing was feeling sick,tired and had a headache by the end of it...and she was disturbed when she saw two little girls of around 13 years going thru the same treatment...and one girl who has been coming along with my mom for the last five cycles was so tired of the treatment - she was crying and yelling - she just did not want to go thru this anymore...i was sitting beside her and trying to console her...she was crying in pain...i had tears in my eyes looking at her...and made me think if i had to go thru something like this - would i really have the courage and strenght like all these little girls? why has god made diseases like this and over that make little children suffer? It is so damn unfair!!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
17th December 2008
No time - a standard excuse for not being able to do so many things in life though we would want to...that's the excuse i give myself for not updating my blog - "like as if there are millions waiting to read it :)"...
Life is really strange - in spite of all the problems that surround us we still manage to find humour and happy moments...
I believe in a very strong principle which is my eternal mantra for everything - "whatever happens, happens for good". For the moment situation may look bad but as time goes by you only gain from it...
My dearest mom has gone through the knife on the operation table and she had to go through the trauma of loosing her right breast completely...It was a very very difficult decision which me and my sister had to take when the doctors called us in between the operation and told us that they need to remove the whole organ and we need to sign papers for the same.
I was pretty strong till then - but i just could not get myself to sign the papers - for the first time i broke down - not because mom is loosing an organ which the doctors describe as "a mass of fat and flesh" but because as a woman it is very difficult to have a body with this organ missing...i was scared of mom's reaction when she realises what happens!
The operation lasted for about four hours and we were allowed to see her for a brief time - and in her sub conscious state of mind mom was only asking us "why have you removed the whole organ" - she was repeatedly asking only this one question...
That night she was kept in the ICU. Me and my sister stayed back in the hospital as we were scared of how she would react when she gains complete consciousness and if she will be all right...
Next day she was back to the room - and we could see how depressed and sad she was. Once she settled we explained to her why it had be done and how it is supposed to be good for her going forward. The doctors also explained it to her. After a day my mom told me "don't worry i will get used to seeing myself like this. i know it was done for good but sometimes there is a strange fear that takes over me and this fear tells me that i will not look like earlier days.Fear tells me how will i wear a Saree now..." my heart was breaking hearing to her but i had to only tell her things to pacify her...and to keep her brave. I told her whenever this fear is setting in to divert her mind and talk to one of us so that we will help her get over this fear...
Life is really strange - in spite of all the problems that surround us we still manage to find humour and happy moments...
I believe in a very strong principle which is my eternal mantra for everything - "whatever happens, happens for good". For the moment situation may look bad but as time goes by you only gain from it...
My dearest mom has gone through the knife on the operation table and she had to go through the trauma of loosing her right breast completely...It was a very very difficult decision which me and my sister had to take when the doctors called us in between the operation and told us that they need to remove the whole organ and we need to sign papers for the same.
I was pretty strong till then - but i just could not get myself to sign the papers - for the first time i broke down - not because mom is loosing an organ which the doctors describe as "a mass of fat and flesh" but because as a woman it is very difficult to have a body with this organ missing...i was scared of mom's reaction when she realises what happens!
The operation lasted for about four hours and we were allowed to see her for a brief time - and in her sub conscious state of mind mom was only asking us "why have you removed the whole organ" - she was repeatedly asking only this one question...
That night she was kept in the ICU. Me and my sister stayed back in the hospital as we were scared of how she would react when she gains complete consciousness and if she will be all right...
Next day she was back to the room - and we could see how depressed and sad she was. Once she settled we explained to her why it had be done and how it is supposed to be good for her going forward. The doctors also explained it to her. After a day my mom told me "don't worry i will get used to seeing myself like this. i know it was done for good but sometimes there is a strange fear that takes over me and this fear tells me that i will not look like earlier days.Fear tells me how will i wear a Saree now..." my heart was breaking hearing to her but i had to only tell her things to pacify her...and to keep her brave. I told her whenever this fear is setting in to divert her mind and talk to one of us so that we will help her get over this fear...
Monday, November 24, 2008
October 27 2008
Finally all the reports were ready and doctors confirmed that mom had breast cancer and the tumour has to be operated ASAP...Doctors left the choice of tumour removal or entire breast removal to us...the toughest decision ever to be made...
After a debate between me and my sister we finally broke the news out to Mom that she has breast cancer and she has to be operated...the choice of tumour removal or breast removal was with her...She was completely shattered and terrified on knowing that she has cancer...She was upset and cried...It was difficult for all of us to console her and make her understand that this is not life threatning...
We took her back to the doctor who also counselled her and gave her the pros and cons of tumour removal and entire breast removal...But she was adamant that only the tumour has to be removed...
We took multiple opinions from different doctors - mumbai cancer hospital and a very senior oncologist here in hyd...all of them confirmed that the choice is with us but the final decision will be made by the doctors on the operation table...depending on what it looks like once the tumour is removed...
It was a painful one week after that as the date of surgery was fixed on 6th Nov...all these days my mother went through the agony of what the future holds for her...she started talking as if she is going to be alive for sometime only and telling us things on if she will ever see my youngest sister getting married or if she will see her second grand child etc etc...
This fear and pain can only be understand if you are going through it - but i also know that though she is terrified for the moment she is actually a very strong person from inside...We kept talking to her and giving her facts and case studies of so many other women who have been thru similar trauma and are fit and healthy now...But again...it is difficult to draw inspiration from all these case studies...difficult but not impossible...
After a debate between me and my sister we finally broke the news out to Mom that she has breast cancer and she has to be operated...the choice of tumour removal or breast removal was with her...She was completely shattered and terrified on knowing that she has cancer...She was upset and cried...It was difficult for all of us to console her and make her understand that this is not life threatning...
We took her back to the doctor who also counselled her and gave her the pros and cons of tumour removal and entire breast removal...But she was adamant that only the tumour has to be removed...
We took multiple opinions from different doctors - mumbai cancer hospital and a very senior oncologist here in hyd...all of them confirmed that the choice is with us but the final decision will be made by the doctors on the operation table...depending on what it looks like once the tumour is removed...
It was a painful one week after that as the date of surgery was fixed on 6th Nov...all these days my mother went through the agony of what the future holds for her...she started talking as if she is going to be alive for sometime only and telling us things on if she will ever see my youngest sister getting married or if she will see her second grand child etc etc...
This fear and pain can only be understand if you are going through it - but i also know that though she is terrified for the moment she is actually a very strong person from inside...We kept talking to her and giving her facts and case studies of so many other women who have been thru similar trauma and are fit and healthy now...But again...it is difficult to draw inspiration from all these case studies...difficult but not impossible...
Friday, November 21, 2008
I have never met anyone whose family is going thru the trauma of having a cancer patient at home and i never thought same time last month that i would be going thru this myself...
What is pain? The word called pain is a feeling that one would never understand till the time you go thru it yourself or see someone as close as your own mother go thru it...even then i would not know what pain is...only my mom knows what is pain right now and millions like her who are going thru the trauma of breast cancer...I would like to pen down every moment that we as a family are going thru - as i see things from my eyes and probably what my mom feels...which i will not be able to pen down 100% - nobody can till god forbid you go thru it yourself...
I still remember the day i had taken mom to meet our doctor friend...yes...right now i have lot of doctors as friends as i speak to them more than any of my friends...
October 10th 2008 - Friday
It was a casual check up day when my mom told me that she feels a lump - she told me after a week of she feeling it and i delayed it by another week thanks to my work! I still feel guilty about this...Reason for delay because i could spare only the weekend for doctor trips...
A casual check up and was advised to get a mammogram done which i did fortunately the very next day because during my conversation with my doc friend he told me he finds the lump "suspicious"...That was an alarm for me not to delay things further...
October 11th 2008 - Saturday
I had taken my mom to the hospital and my husband was generous enough to take us to the the diagnostic center. The mammogram was done and even then i was sure there could be nothing and it was just a "lump" and nothing more...We collected the reports and got into the car - happy and smiling and looking forward to the day ahead as it was a day just before Diwali and there was loads of shopping to be done...But all my hopes went out of the window - I opened the report to read. although i am obviously technically not qualified to understand medical terms, i do understand some basic things...the report confirmed malignancy...I felt a shiver go thru me and i couldn't believe what i was reading...I was in a state of complete shock and i just looked at Ram and told him what i read...We both did not speak about it as we did not want to share anything with my mom...
We cancelled all our shopping plans and went straight home...And called the doctor and told him about the report...
October 12th 2008 - Sunday
A day of more tests - And even then Mom had no idea what was happening and her mind was racing...wondering why we are going thru so many tests for such a simple "lump"...By this time I had told my sister about the status of the reports...Other than she and me nobody knew what was happening...We decided to keep things this way till Diwali...and the doctors were understanding enough and did not mention the word "cancer" in front of her...
Mom went thru a "painful" test called the needle test where they push an injection at the spot of lump to take blood sample - to reconfirm "malignancy" and stage of "malignancy"...
Report to be available only the next day - which was "Diwali"
October 13th 2008 - Monday
I have been very fortunate as far as doctors are concerned - The more the health issues that came up we always managed to get the best of doctors and really good doctors who actually take the trouble of seeing patients even on a holiday and even on festival days! With all the reports in hand we went to meet the senior doctor at his clinic and this time again they were all understanding enough not to use the word "cancer"...unfortunately the needle test report was not ready. The entire ordeal of the suspense had to continue till the next day....Mom still ignorant...
October 14th 2008
The needle test report confirmed "cancer" but the test could not be done 100% due to insufficient blood sample from the exact spot of the "lump"...We had to redo the test and this time our doctor himself would do the test...I was at work and i rushed back home and took my mom back to the hospital...I had no idea what was the extent of the "test" and the "pain" that my mom will go through...
I have always been beside my mom in every single medical treatment that she has gone thru since the last decade or so - since the time i actually understood what it means to be admitted in the hospital...I have seen my mom go thru a major operation during the time of removal of her uterus and then last year when she got operated for thyroid cancer and now thru this...
A test that made me almost faint at the table...
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Finally
after hearing so much about blogging in the news papers, television and people i am still wondering what blogging is all about? Why would somebody want to read something which i write for whatever reason i write...while people would love to read celebrities blogs why would anyone want to read my blog?
Now that i am finally writing i realised that probably people like me write for our individual satisfaction and to express thots which probably cannot be spoken to everyone all the time...and hoping that some of my good friends and family would be interested in reading...and mind you not to give an advice but in turn to express their opinion...
So here i am...the official author of "Just like that" ctp...wondering what ctp is? that's my favourite line - "Chumma Time Pass" :)
three cheers to CTP !!!
Now that i am finally writing i realised that probably people like me write for our individual satisfaction and to express thots which probably cannot be spoken to everyone all the time...and hoping that some of my good friends and family would be interested in reading...and mind you not to give an advice but in turn to express their opinion...
So here i am...the official author of "Just like that" ctp...wondering what ctp is? that's my favourite line - "Chumma Time Pass" :)
three cheers to CTP !!!
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