I have never met anyone whose family is going thru the trauma of having a cancer patient at home and i never thought same time last month that i would be going thru this myself...

What is pain? The word called pain is a feeling that one would never understand till the time you go thru it yourself or see someone as close as your own mother go thru it...even then i would not know what pain is...only my mom knows what is pain right now and millions like her who are going thru the trauma of breast cancer...I would like to pen down every moment that we as a family are going thru - as i see things from my eyes and probably what my mom feels...which i will not be able to pen down 100% - nobody can till god forbid you go thru it yourself...

I still remember the day i had taken mom to meet our doctor friend...yes...right now i have lot of doctors as friends as i speak to them more than any of my friends...

October 10th 2008 - Friday

It was a casual check up day when my mom told me that she feels a lump - she told me after a week of she feeling it and i delayed it by another week thanks to my work! I still feel guilty about this...Reason for delay because i could spare only the weekend for doctor trips...

A casual check up and was advised to get a mammogram done which i did fortunately the very next day because during my conversation with my doc friend he told me he finds the lump "suspicious"...That was an alarm for me not to delay things further...

October 11th 2008 - Saturday

I had taken my mom to the hospital and my husband was generous enough to take us to the the diagnostic center. The mammogram was done and even then i was sure there could be nothing and it was just a "lump" and nothing more...We collected the reports and got into the car - happy and smiling and looking forward to the day ahead as it was a day just before Diwali and there was loads of shopping to be done...But all my hopes went out of the window - I opened the report to read. although i am obviously technically not qualified to understand medical terms, i do understand some basic things...the report confirmed malignancy...I felt a shiver go thru me and i couldn't believe what i was reading...I was in a state of complete shock and i just looked at Ram and told him what i read...We both did not speak about it as we did not want to share anything with my mom...

We cancelled all our shopping plans and went straight home...And called the doctor and told him about the report...

October 12th 2008 - Sunday

A day of more tests - And even then Mom had no idea what was happening and her mind was racing...wondering why we are going thru so many tests for such a simple "lump"...By this time I had told my sister about the status of the reports...Other than she and me nobody knew what was happening...We decided to keep things this way till Diwali...and the doctors were understanding enough and did not mention the word "cancer" in front of her...

Mom went thru a "painful" test called the needle test where they push an injection at the spot of lump to take blood sample - to reconfirm "malignancy" and stage of "malignancy"...

Report to be available only the next day - which was "Diwali"

October 13th 2008 - Monday

I have been very fortunate as far as doctors are concerned - The more the health issues that came up we always managed to get the best of doctors and really good doctors who actually take the trouble of seeing patients even on a holiday and even on festival days! With all the reports in hand we went to meet the senior doctor at his clinic and this time again they were all understanding enough not to use the word "cancer"...unfortunately the needle test report was not ready. The entire ordeal of the suspense had to continue till the next day....Mom still ignorant...

October 14th 2008

The needle test report confirmed "cancer" but the test could not be done 100% due to insufficient blood sample from the exact spot of the "lump"...We had to redo the test and this time our doctor himself would do the test...I was at work and i rushed back home and took my mom back to the hospital...I had no idea what was the extent of the "test" and the "pain" that my mom will go through...

I have always been beside my mom in every single medical treatment that she has gone thru since the last decade or so - since the time i actually understood what it means to be admitted in the hospital...I have seen my mom go thru a major operation during the time of removal of her uterus and then last year when she got operated for thyroid cancer and now thru this...

A test that made me almost faint at the table...